The NGH Report – American Idol 9’s Top 12: “If I’m Being Honest…”

We are finally in the American Idol 9 finals and this week the top 12 come out swinging with songs from The Rolling Stones!! The Idol stylists have gotten hold of some of the contestants and the stage has quadrupled in size so that it resembles the control room in Quantum Leap. That’s right. I just threw in a pop reference from the late eighties. Deal with it!

So, besides the performances, what else caught my attention? Well, how about the intro packages that were full of sob stories galore. Seriously! Doesn’t anyone have any happy stories to tell that don’t make me want to kill myself? I can only feel like crying for so many people on a certain evening before I just give up! Oh, Michael… I’m so sorry about your mom! Oh, Casey, I didn’t know you had such a tough time as a baby! Oh, Andrew, your father was in a gang? That’s awful! Ugh, no more! Stop killing me slowly, Idol! Ugh, what? Aaron was adopted?! Paige’s father was in a wheel chair?! Oh, what’s that? Paige’s father isn’t in a wheel chair anymore. Oh, thank goodness. Wait, I’m sorry? Because he died?!

GIVE ME SOME FREAKING BREATHING ROOM! I ONLY HAVE SO MANY TEAR DUCTS!

Also, another common theme I noticed was that all of our contestants are working their “small town” credentials. Yes, we are aware that America loves seeing contestants coming from Bodunkville and making it in the big city, but everyone?!

Who else is starting to hate Simon every time he says, “If I’m being honest…”? Why are you making this a mystery, you jerk? Are you being honest or not? This isn’t a damn “Choose Your Own Adventure” novel, it’s a competition! Just because you speak in platitudes doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want and be protected by your “If I’m being honest…” precursor.

Then there was that moment between Kara and Simon where he chided her over asking Andrew to interpret the lyrics to a song. Uhh, what’s wrong with that? You know what makes somebody a good singer? They must have a good voice. You know what makes them a good artist? The ability to perform and allow the audience to really feel the meaning behind the lyrics.

But besides that, there were a lot of great moments tonight. Let’s get to the rankings!

12. Tim Urban – He has ten siblings! Five brothers and five sisters! Wow, that makes my cervix hurt just hearing that… and I’m a guy. So we can assume that Tim’s parents either really love children or really hate contraception. Either way, Tim’s “podperson” vibe just got a little bit creepier. Oh, and is it bad that when Tim said “The Urban Family,” I immediately thought he was referring to an old sitcom on UPN?

Anyway, on to the performance of “Under My Thumb.” Let’s set aside for the moment the incredible lack of insight Tim must have had with the lyrics to turn this mean-spirited song into a hip reggae tune sung like a Jonas brother who had stolen a little bit of product from Bob Marley’s medicine cabinet. Tim does what he does, and that’s that. Is he the best singer? No, of course not, but he’s the cool guy at the party who can woo all the girls and now he’s doing just that… but to a million different girls on a much larger stage. It’s really his only strategy and he should stick with it. But Tim Urban is just not in the same league as most of these contestants. NOT SAFE.

11. Andrew Garcia – What did we learn from Andrew’s intro package? Well, apparently his mom isn’t allowed to speak in these interviews. She just sits there in a dazed stupor. Who else wanted to poke her with a stick to make sure she was still alive?

“Gimme Shelter” is my favorite Rolling Stones song, but this version lacked the amazing introduction riff that makes my hair stand up, and instead it was stripped down to a palm-muted mess. Look, I told Andrew last week, to ditch the guitar and just sing… but, uhh, pick a song that will let you do that, man! The performance was littered with flat notes that kept showing up like they were invited to an off-campus party, drunk and ready to make bad decisions. The second half was a marked improvement, but by then the damage was done. Andrew is starting to be in real trouble. NOT SAFE.

10. Paige Miles – Paige apparently had a bad case of laryngitis this week, but she seemed to have recovered enough to take on “Honky Tonk Woman.” We actually were able to hear a lot more of Paige’s potential and vocal talent, but her stylish runs sounded like mush and I was still left thinking, “Who the hell is Paige besides a big voice?” She is too uneven of a performer to last very long in this competition and still doesn’t seem to have displayed even a little bit of her personality. Paige is still running on fumes. NOT SAFE.

9. Aaron Kelly – This was a very nice vocal performance, but I’m not sure what the judges were drooling over. It was really weird to see such a young kid sing such a deep, heart-breaking song. “Angie” needed to have more grit and less precision. Honestly, I would have rather heard Aaron sing it poorly if he could have enthused a little bit more passion into the performance. As it was, it felt vacant and left me shrugging my shoulders. Aaron has been uneven before but this was the first time I truly felt like falling asleep. NOT SAFE.

8. Casey James – Casey James is from Cool, Texas. Why am I not surprised? Anyway, besides the usual sob story nonsense, we learned that Casey’s family has mastered the art of the sleeveless tee. They also are really big proponents of sitting outside with a cooler full of drinks and just, ya know, lounging. The James’ are a classy people.

Casey sang “All Over Now,” which was a pretty fun performance, but it still felt off. He’s a great guitar player, but whenever he straps it on, he seems to make himself rigid and his confidence level plummets. The Casey James that sung “Heaven” is a different performer all together. It’s like he has a twin brother. One likes guitar solos and southern rock and the other prefers to sit on a stool and croon out a country ballad. When he puts on the guitar he just comes off as a small-time blues singer and he really needs to find a way to own the bigger stage.NOT SAFE.

7. Lacey Brown – Lacey’s father had a sage piece of wisdom for Lacey: “If you remain shy, you’ll miss your destiny.” Yeah, that’s true, but you probably won’t overdose on heroin either. So, you know… be shy if you want. There are plenty of singers out there who aren’t shy at all. Why don’t you pocket the money you would have spent on the Betty Ford Clinic and buy yourself something nice?

Lacey’s performance of “Ruby Tuesday” had an absolutely beautiful beginning, but then halfway through seemed to lose all of its character. It is nice to see her starting to become more aware of who she is as an artist. Her vocal quality was crystal clear and if she can really work on being more memorable as a contestant she could do really well in the following weeks. NOT SAFE.

6. Katie Stevens – Who else loved the little quiz that Ryan gave her about the theme week? “Who’s the lead singer of The Rolling Stones?” “Uhh… Mickey Mouse!” “Umm… no, close…it’s Mick—” “Mickey Rourke! That gross old guy from The Gladiator!” “The Wrestler.” “I’m sorry?” “Mickey Rourke was in The Wrestler.” “Tee-hee!”

Hey, everybody? You remember Jordin Sparks, don’t you? Well, Katie Stevens is like Jordin Sparks, but not as much fun. Sure, “Wild Horses” was a perfect song choice and I can’t ignore how powerful her vocal performance was here, but I’m still a little confused how she has made it this far. Saying that, I would like to defend her from the judges. They were going on and on about her not feeling the song and I disagree. I saw a lot of pain and fear in Katie’s eyes because she realized just how much she needed a great performance. It was almost humbling. Should I forgive her for the pageant doll dress she wore? No, of course not. That thing was a joke in itself. NEVER GOING HOME.

5. Lee Dewyze – It’s so hard to poke fun at a man who has such a bland personality. Can someone stop getting Lee Dewyze high before every performance?

Parts of “Beast of Burden” sounded really current and soulful, but then the end was practically unrecognizable. Lee, WORK ON YOUR DICTION! I couldn’t understand half of the damn song. Here’s what I heard at the very end of the song: “Mumble mumble mumble mumble girl. Mumble mumble mumble mumble girl. C’mon make love to me!” What the effin’ hell? If his vocals weren’t so strong, I would have definitely ranked him much lower just for murdering parts of the English language. Is it possible that his soul patch is acting like a poorly performing word filter? NEVER GOING HOME.

4. Michael Lynche – In his intro package, Michael Lynche brought back out his football career. Again, not a shocker, Mike. You’re gigantic.

“Miss You” just showed me once again how natural Michael is as a performer. Charismatic and intoxicating! Michael just makes me smile whenever he gets up on that stage and was one of the few contestants to really embrace the bigger platform. Plus, he has this incredible secret falsetto weapon that comes out of nowhere at the best times! The R&B mix of the song made it sound modern and like an original Lynche track, though it could have used a bigger finish. Michael is like a gigantic Michael Jackson, except, you know, he had a child the old-fashioned way. Oh, Michael and his wife also share one interesting similarity… stretch marks. Seriously, Mike’s arms are so big it looks like his skin is about to rip at any second. NEVER GOING HOME.

3. Didi Benami – “Play With Fire” was a very intense Didi performance that never really went anywhere. There was no climactic build and the lyrics flubs killed the amazing energy of the song. But, still, the vocals were pretty great and Didi just empowered the song on that stage. It all felt very right, which allowed me to forgive a few of her mistakes.

My favorite part of her intro package was when she was talking about living in Los Angeles. “It’s this thing that keeps me alive in this town.” Yeah, it’s called a gun. Welcome to Los Angeles. NEVER GOING HOME.

2. Crystal Bowersox – Why am I not surprised that Crystal’s father looks like Sam Elliott? It’s also important to note that I’m already feeling a little bit of Crystal-fatigue… on top 12 night! So it was wise of the judges to lay off of the pimping for a while. Her performance of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” was soulful and professional. Ahem, as always! This girl does not falter, but it’s making my articles kind of repetitive. I could just copy and paste every one of my critiques. She’s brilliant. So, what else can she bring to the table? NEVER GOING HOME.

1. Siobhan Magnus – Siobhan Magnus gave another water cooler performance this episode as she slayed her rendition of “Paint It Black.” The Alice In Wonderland musical entrance was cool and clearly very “Siobhan” and I absolutely loved the changes to the verses’ vocal melodies. They were delayed and haunting and the end of the song was a phenomenal moment on American Idol. Adam Lambert is somewhere rocking out. Think of a duet with the two of them! This performance was a mixture of rock and roll and Phantom of the Opera and it worked on every level. NEVER GOING HOME.

Who should go home?

Tim Urban

Who will go home?

Lacey Brown

See you next time!

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