American Idol 7, March 26 Recap: Proud to Be an American (Idol)

Instead of starting two minutes early each week, so that I miss the end of America’s Next Top Model, can’t we just cut out the music video? They’re always dumb anyway. I doubt the Idols will mind either.

Ryan tries to give us some gravity, but I don’t think Syesha is taking it seriously enough for his liking. Good for you, Syesha. Ryan tells us last night’s episode received the highest number of votes so far this season. I’m not sure why, but okay. Ryan’s still stuck on Randy being tough. Paula is dressed like a pretty, pretty princess. Simon is wearing white! Cue plug for the songwriting contest. I still don’t care.

Group sing! No medley tonight, just “Right Back Where We Started From.” Ramiele gets the first solo, followed by Carly. The dancing leaves something to be desired, especially Jason’s. Kristy warbles, Brooke is wearing a vest with turquoise pants, Syesha gets a nice descant, I play a round of Scrabulous with another RNO writer, and everyone does a weird pose at the end. And then three minutes in, we go to commercials. Sigh.

Ryan tells us about the Idols’ songs being available on iTunes, which leads us to a montage of the Idols telling us about recording the songs, which are full-length versions. Ramiele tells us she’s downloaded David Cook, Jason, and Michael’s songs. David Cook says he uses iTunes as a reference when he’s picking a song. Brooke still gets nervous when she’s recording, and she’s warned to watch her pitch. Michael screws up. Carly says there’s a lot of different slang involved in recording, and the sound boards have a ton of buttons of them. David Archuleta covers one ear to hear what’s being recorded and leaves one ear uncovered to hear how he sounds. Michael and Syesha gives iTunes some plugs. Carly freaks out over seeing her own name on her iPod.

Time for the recap of last night’s show. Michael brought the stadium rock with “We Will Rock You” and “We are the Champions,” and I’m still not impressed with him. Ramiele should not have tried to show up Carrie Underwood with “Alone.” Carly’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” shows that she keeps doing the same stuff over and over. Syesha saved herself again, I think, with “If I Were Your Woman.” Jason went bilingual with “Fragile,” and I thought Chikezie was going to go off on Simon again after “If Only For One Night.”

David Archuleta sang “You’re the Voice,” a song that I seriously thought was some sort of “We Are the World” recording. Brooke sang “Every Bre,” then “Every Breath You Take.” Kristy played dirty with “God Bless the USA,” because who’s not going to vote for her after that? The terrorists, that’s who. And to top it all off, David Cook is my new fake boyfriend.

Results time. Ryan tells us that the contestants who make it to the couch are safe, but those sent to the stools are in danger. Really, Ryan? Thanks for telling us. We have all been living under a rock for the past six years. (A giant rock, obviously.) Chikezie is up first, and he’s in the bottom three. Next up, Brooke looks worried and explains that she did the arrangement she did because she didn’t want to seem self-indulgent by performing without the band. It doesn’t matter, since she’s safe and can just be awesome next week. (Please, Brooke.) Carly was surprisingly in the bottom three last week, and addresses the rumor circulating that she’s pregnant. She’s safe this week and can continue not being pregnant.

The commercial is an exercise in green-screen technology and the destruction of “I Want You to Want Me.” Next!

David Archuleta should, if we’re being honest, be in the bottom three this week, because this is not High School Musical, but since the majority of the voters actually want this to be High School Musical, he’s safe. Also safe is David Cook, who got praise from Chris Cornell for covering his version of “Billie Jean.” Syesha did not wind up saving herself after all, and she’s back in the bottom three. I would not miss Michael at all if he went away, but I’m out of luck and he’s sticking around for at least another week. Next week, by the way, is country week, and Dolly Parton will be dropping by. Yay! I love her.

Sigh. It’s time for - ack, Constantine! Okay, I’m ready to go on. It’s time for that annoying call-in part of the show. Sarah wants to know if Chikezie is single. He is. Ryan pretends to give out his phone number. Ryan’s just jealous that people aren’t gushing over him. Nicole wants to know why David Archuleta chose to sing “You’re the Voice.” He says it’s one of his favorite songs. He assures Simon that he picked it.

Ari wants to know what she needs to do to get Ryan’s job. “You don’t need a lot of talent,” Simon tells her. The audience boos. “I’m aiming to be tolerable,” Ryan replies. Yeah, keep working on that. Caitlin wants to know who Brooke would like to duet with. She says John Mayer. Vanessa asks Simon if he thinks he’s the most attractive person on the show. Honey, look who his competition is. Simon says it’s about what other people say. Heh. I’m pretty sure Amy Davis (remember her?) is sitting right behind the judges, but I’m not really sure because I can’t really remember what she looked like.