The One: It Can’t Really Be This Bad, Can It?

I will be the first to admit I started watching The One with a smirk. It was all that rambling about cycles and leather jackets from George Stromboulopoulos that started it. Then I saw the show, and while bad television amuses me almost as much as good. I felt something I never expected.

Pity.

These poor people. All of them. George, the judges, the contestants, the band, I felt sorry for all of them. They all seem like they unwittingly bought into a pyramid scheme! From Strombo on down, these folks are pawns. No more, no less. George is the Anti-Crest. While George seems like he may have been in a bar fight or two, and has ridden a motorcycle, Ryan is more likely to spritz more gel into his hair than actually muss it up in a fight.

The contestants are younger, edgier, prettier than the Idol kids. All very nice, but on the talent scale, they aren’t even on the same page. The band just can’t get past Star Search level. While the Rock Star band is putting all of them to shame, Idol’s band led by Ricky Minor does a decent job of maintaining the true spirit of the songs they are playing. There were times when I had no idea what The One’s band was playing, and I am freakishly good at identifying songs and lyrics.

And these judges. Oh my sweet stars. They can’t stop talking over each other. Mark Hudson, who was once the cute Hudson brother, now looks like a mad scientist and rambles incoherently. Andre Harrell is so smitten with divas, he doesn’t seem to like anything else! Kara is a songwriter, not a television personality, so she doesn’t know that most folks don’t know what a “lick” is. I do, and she’s using it wrong! Guitars have licks, vocalists have runs, Kara.

The One definitely has a personality disorder. It is so shamelessly shallow and aloof. We’ve been drummed over the head over and over again about how cool all these kids are. So cool, one moron actually chooses to ignore judges and sing “Devil In A Blue Dress” instead of “Drift Away.” Anyone who makes that kind of music choice does not deserve a record contract.

So cool that with a straight face, they can say they have only been in second place once and they hated it. Charming. So cool, they can tearfully whine to Mark Hudson that they want someone to get them. Someone is going to get them alright.

These poor contestants. They have dreams. They have fallen into a nightmare. They are in Central Casting, and just don’t know it. The Rocker Girl (Aubrey), the Rebellious Bad Boy (Michael), The Sensitive One (Austin), The Misunderstood One (Adam), The Black Girl (Syesha), The Black Boy (Scotty), The HeartThrob (Nick), The Spicy Latina (Jackie), The Ingenue (Jadyn), we could go on and on.

Can they sing? Some of them. Some of them are truly talented. Sadly, we had trouble hearing them over the band, or they were singing so loud, it was close to torture. “This is ridiculous,” moaned Caitlin at one point, and it seemed a light bulb turned on over her head. We’ll see if good sense won out and she ran for the hills soon enough. Yes, some of them are truly talented. The others may well turn up on The OC or one of the MTV OC-esque shows.

The ratings are embarrassing. The lowest-rated debut in ABC’s long history. The rerun of the performance show was rated lower than the hippie guy painting trees on PBS. Donna Reynolds, who was forced to recap this mess, predicts cancellation is imminent. Is there no saving the show?

If I were one of those people who are hired to come in and clean up what is wrong, I would start with the set. It is frighteningly small and claustrophobic, and garishly pink. I would move the band behind a curtain, and use that space as stage room. These kids barely have anywhere to move!

Then, the judges would be gone. En masse. Maybe I would save Mark Hudson, who seems to genuinely care for the contestants and the project. Kara and Andre would be replaced with, say, Debbie Gibson or Gladys Knight (so great on American Juniors), either are itching to be involved in this kind of project. I would throw some money at Tommy Motola and try to sway him into being involved. Who am I kidding, their industry is full of glib label executives who want some television time, and a crack at getting a slice of Simon Cowell’s pie.

I would make serious effort to improve the song availability. “Last Dance”? Really? Strombo can stay until I find a Ben Mulroney (excellent host of Canadian Idol, who may be prettier than Ryan Seacrest, and actually has a soul). Aubrey and Nick would have to be forbidden to date, or seriously talked to. Did they hear the boos that came at them? They are the most despised couple since Jase and Holly of Big Brother 5. When the public hates you, winning this kind of competition is pretty tough.

And it is difficult to sway an audience to vote for you when they can’t hear you. The One was plagued with sound problems on the first night. You can almost chalk it up to opening night bugs. Night two was worse. While we could barely make out Strombo was saying (his conversation with Michael remains a mystery), we had no problem hearing the boos when Nick twirled Aubrey around after her running leap into his arms upon hearing he was safe. Or the boos when Michael so much as lifted a eyebrow. You’d wish for a sound problem then.

The pundits are feeling pretty sure The One may be cancelled as we are speaking. Some call it The One Point One because that is all the rating it could muster at its best. Did I mention it was the worst debut in ABC’s history?! ABC has offered some clunkers too! Just this summer alone, How To Get the Guy died a slow painful death, and Master of Champions will likely be buried next to it. ABC was banking on The One. The formula was can’t-miss. The world has already embraced the concept. The audience was already there waiting for something until Idol came back. Problem is, the audience chose to accept no substitute.

The One is on life support with very grim prospects for survival. Nigel Lythgoe took a veiled swipe at The One on So You Think You Can Dance, but you can be sure the snickering is upfront and loud in the halls of Fox. Any worry that The One might saturate the market and make Idol a bit less special are gone, gone, gone.

So, if you missed The One, you may have missed the one chance you had to see it. And, maybe, it’s better that way.

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Sting7 has been a respected published writer for many years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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