We’ll Be the Judge of That! – But Can They Sing?, November 6

Now that you’ve read Sting7’s recap of But Can They Sing?’s second episode, it’s time for the Foxes On Idol judges to step forward with our opinions. OK, my opinion. Yes, once again this week, I’m alone in judging this “singing” competition (and I use the term “singing” very loosely). Don’t worry, we’re working on getting at least one more judge, but it involves my good friend Guido and a baseball bat to “persuade” another writer to join us.

But thank goodness ANT is joining the judging panel to actually put some criticism into this train wreck rather than the unbelievably nice comments from the coaches last week. At least that’s what they claim. Will it actually hold true?

Michael Copon, “American Woman”

Well, Michael has the rock star look down pat. And the moves too. But the singing? Well, two for three ain’t bad… except in a singing competition. He did okay with the portions of the song when he was more talking than singing. When he actually had to sing, he had some problems. Actually, I shouldn’t judge him too harshly, because I have a feeling he’ll be the best of the night (if last week is any indication). But Tony, the coach who said Michael has a “great voice” – what is he smoking?!

Morgan Fairchild, “I Will Survive”

Morgan started off pretty well in the first few lines before the song really kicked in. But once it went up to speed, she sounded somewhat like she had inhaled a full helium balloon. Again, I hate to say too many bad things because then, when we get to the really bad ones, I’ll be all out of adjectives. I am, however, starting to get a little worried about ANT. He’s given compliments to both Michael and Morgan, which kind of contradicts the whole idea of saying what we’re thinking – well, at least saying what I am thinking. Then again, if he said what I was thinking, we wouldn’t need this article, would we? Anyway, I’ll keep an eye on him.

Antonio Sabato, Jr., “I Want You to Want Me”

Well, this was a cheap trick to play on the audience (sorry, bad joke). At the beginning of the song, we saw that Antonio knew how to best get votes, and it had nothing to do with singing. By going shirtless, he was showing off the only assets he had to attract female votes. His voice only had the potential to attract female moose. As for judge/coach Rachel and all her positive comments, apparently she was sharing whatever Tony was smoking. And maybe they need to give some of it to everybody watching the show.

Carmine Gotti Agnello, “Drop It Like It’s Hot”

Well, I have to say that Carmine’s rapping is definitely better this week. Then again, Bert & Ernie probably rap better than he did last week. Despite what the coaches may claim, he has shown no talent to the level that he might have a career anywhere in the music business – except maybe as a sales clerk at a record store. I really have nothing more to say about him because it’s a bit difficult to compare rapping to singing under these circumstances. Frankly, I think he has an easier chore with this type of song.

Larry Holmes, “Let’s Get It On”

Wow. That was bad. I admire the guy’s determination and I find him a bit amusing to watch. But. That. Was. Bad. It left me wishing he’d forgotten all of the words instead of just some of them. Ouch.

An aside: the folks in charge of VH1 are idiots. While trying to build up the tense moment of finding out whether Bai Ling or Joey Pants would go on, they cut to commercial – a commercial in which it revealed that Bai Ling survived. Morons.

Bai Ling, “Call Me”

OK, now I’m convinced this is actually a new version of Superstar USA, because Bai Ling moved on. As for her performance, well… I just want to know why they didn’t give us subtitles, because I haven’t the foggiest idea what she was singing. All I know is that I’m writing a petition to the United Nations to request that they label recordings of this performance as a torture device and ban it according to the Geneva Conventions. I also agree with Tony’s comment that with Bai, “less is more.” With that in mind, I’d like to hear a lot less of her. Like nothing. Ever again. Please. The only positive thing to come from this performance was that there was finally a critical comment from ANT.

Conclusions

Last week I predicted that Bai, Kim, and Antonio would go home. However, I obviously failed to take into account the train wreck factor. Therefore, while Bai should go this week, I don’t think she will. I suspect instead we’ll say goodbye to Larry Holmes, who might forget he was even on the show anyway.

David Bloomberg is the Editor of Foxes On Idol, and can be reached at RNO@pobox.com.

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