We’ll Be the Judge of That! – But Can They Sing?, October 30

Normally, “We’ll Be the Judge of That!” articles feature an actual “we” – as in multiple people. However, But Can They Sing?’s first episode did not draw enough of a crowd of judges to get a “we,” so it’s just me. As you’ll soon find out, though, it likely wouldn’t have mattered. There are only so many ways to say “bad.”

Morgan Fairchild, “These Boots Are Made for Walking”

Let me start by saying that I don’t know how old Morgan is, nor do I care – the woman still has it! As for her singing, well, she has less of her “it” in that. She did an okay job, though I think she was more speaking than singing, but it was a decent way to start off the show.

Michael Copon, “I Don’t Wanna Be”

Michael took the stage and immediately looked like a rock star. More importantly, he sounded pretty much like one as well. He showed us a good rock voice, though it will be interesting to hear him in future weeks if he progresses. I’ll be looking for him to sing other genres and see how he does then.

Antonio Sabato Jr., “Every Breath You Take”

Ouch. Antonio was way flat – and possibly completely tone deaf. It’s time to start hitting the thesaurus to see how we can say “bad” without repeating ourselves. It was awful, terrible, and more. I might be able to do a better job, and I suck as a singer!

Bai Ling, “Like a Virgin”

If only Antonio’s performance had been the worst, we’d have been okay. But it wasn’t. Bai Ling followed with a performance that defied explanation. There truly are no words to explain how horrendous this performance was. I just wish there had been no words coming out of Bai’s mouth…

Joe Pantoliano, “I Get a Kick Out of You”

Joe looked totally uncomfortable on the stage – which is kind of odd for an actor, really. But at least he sounded better than the last two; then again, that isn’t really saying anything. I’m a bit afraid of what he might sing next if he progresses.

Kim Alexis, “The Way You Love Me”

We’re back to the tone deaf again. The song began by talking about granting one wish, and all I could think of was that right then and there, if I had one wish it would be that she stop singing! I truly believe she would have had a shot at making it on Superstar USA, the hoax show from a year ago.

Carmine Gotti Agnello, “Ride Wit’ Me”

The best way I can think of to explain Carmine’s attempt to rap is if we took Elmer Fudd, made him sound even wimpier and squeakier, and forced him to sing. Yes, it was that bad. Oh. Wait. Carmine is John Gotti’s grandson? Um, I meant it was a great performance! Yeah, that’s what I meant.

Myrka Dellanos, “Don’t Know Why”

I don’t know why… Myrka is singing. She was off-key by a mile, though she’s still better than Antonio and Bai. When one of the judges/coaches told Myra she was a little pitchy, I almost threw something at the TV. A little?! That’s like saying a tornado is “a little windy.” It was bad.

Larry Holmes, “I Feel Good”

Despite the fact that Larry Holmes has no business being in a singing competition, and he’s certainly no James Brown, he actually didn’t do too bad. Unlike a few of the previous contestants, I didn’t have to stuff cotton in my ears. And at least Larry was fun to watch. He won’t win, but I hope he hangs around a few more weeks.

Conclusions

Speaking of winning, I can tell you right now who definitely will not: Bai Ling, Kim Alexis, Antonio Sabato Jr., Myrka Dellanos, and Larry Holmes. My top picks this week were Michael first, Morgan second, and Larry third. After that, everybody dropped like a stone.

I believe three celebs will be sent home. If that’s the case, those three should be Bai, Kim, and Antonio. If any of them stay, I don’t know that my eardrums can take it.

David Bloomberg is the Editor of Foxes On Idol, and can be reached at RNO@pobox.com.

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