The Three Wise “Men” – Born to Judge

There came a time when the world sensed a need for relief from their daily woes. Fright had gripped their lives and melismas and riffs had tortured fine melodies far too long. Even Mariah of the many octaves had vaporized into an empty bag of whispers and ghost notes. Yes, what to do, and who to save us? A hue and cry for three wise men rang out across the Great Pond. Yes – from the ancient lands of the United Kingdom to the rolling cornfields of the New World, the airwaves vibrated with this plea: Find us three wise people who will judge the truth in music and find a child (human – age 16-24) with the “IT.” And he who has Great Wisdom will come and bestow their special gift at the birth of this new Idol.

But many asked what does it take to be such a wise person? From the sand dunes of the exotic West, a female Seer from the clan of Abdul ominously spoke these words to a breathless nation: "No one is born being a judge." And so, we begin with this epithet.

Paula The Snake Charmer, Simon of the Brighton Smile, and Randy "The Emperor" Jackson answered the call and made their arduous journey to a tacky set with makeshift seating for 500 to bestow their very special gifts to the IT child.

Simon of Cowell brought Jealousy: He gift wrapped himself as Professor 'Enry 'Iggins and enunciated perfectly. Simon is a physically small man with wee tiny hands and nicely parted hair. Since pre-puberty, he has sung “Unchained Melody” off key to himself in the bathroom. Sadly, he chose a rangy tune that convinced him early on that he simply had no talent to take on Zaret and North's masterwork. Simon's revenge is to make others pay for this. He took Justin's tape and Clay's tape back into the loo with a bottle of port and tried to outsing them. On the three octave jump, he had to flush. Clay must pay. Moral: Those who can't, judge.

Randy "The Emperor" Jackson brought Riff Lust. The great bassist who only had a four-year run with Journey had long believed that music was about how you diddle a note, not the tune. He believed the test of true greatness was how many different paths one could find to a melody. He had guided one lovely chanteuse who probably does have a voice hidden somewhere into orgasmic breathing – a new style that anticipates notes but never delivers. And while the world wants so much more, Randy brought riff lust as his gift to vindicate his misdirection of this skimpily clad talent. So as the world turns away from bassist acrobatics turned vocalist styling, this wise man searched for an Idol who could riff like he once did. Moral: Tempus fugit.

Paula "The Snake Charmer" brought Bitterness. Overwhelmed by nostalgia for her former stardom, this immensely talented dancer never wanted to be wise. Remember her words, "No one is ever born being a judge." She wrapped her bitterness up as Glynda, the Good Witch of the West, flicking her benevolent wand to assuage the pain that she shared with other IT hopefuls. She learned to clap her palms together above her head and make the best of it. But her sadness crept through. She told Thumbelina (her teeny tiny hyper canine) who among the selected should become the blessed Idol but couldn't break the hearts of others because her own was breaking too. So Paula gave lucky charms with Wise Words on each. Moral: Those who never wanted to judge develop jewelry lines.

Having bestowed their gifts, the three wise folk are in turn gifted.

Paula the Snake Charmer sells those very same good luck charms online and donates proceeds to charity. She turns her hurt to profit, children mostly. We hope Paula teaches and choreographs again. The world still needs her.

Randy wanted to help produce another hit album in the wake of Mariah's slide, so he gunned for Ruben's. At 46, Randy should be able to perceive musical trends and adapt. We hope he does.

Simon wanted more money. He will get it. He gave up singing “UM” and Clay must pay for this forever. Simon is no Wise Man. His jealousy is rank. His words damage. He knows not when to stop. The world sees through him now, we hope.

You can check out Alexandra's website, Tonya Takes You Touring and e-mail her at akc@corypaints.com.

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