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The NGH Report – American Idol 9’s Top 12: “If I’m Being Honest…”by Joseph Banks -- 03/17/2010
View Printable version of this article We are finally in the American Idol 9 finals and this week the top 12 come out swinging with songs from The Rolling Stones!! The Idol stylists have gotten hold of some of the contestants and the stage has quadrupled in size so that it resembles the control room in Quantum Leap. That’s right. I just threw in a pop reference from the late eighties. Deal with it! So, besides the performances, what else caught my attention? Well, how about the intro packages that were full of sob stories galore. Seriously! Doesn’t anyone have any happy stories to tell that don’t make me want to kill myself? I can only feel like crying for so many people on a certain evening before I just give up! Oh, Michael… I’m so sorry about your mom! Oh, Casey, I didn’t know you had such a tough time as a baby! Oh, Andrew, your father was in a gang? That’s awful! Ugh, no more! Stop killing me slowly, Idol! Ugh, what? Aaron was adopted?! Paige’s father was in a wheel chair?! Oh, what’s that? Paige’s father isn’t in a wheel chair anymore. Oh, thank goodness. Wait, I’m sorry? Because he died?! GIVE ME SOME FREAKING BREATHING ROOM! I ONLY HAVE SO MANY TEAR DUCTS! Also, another common theme I noticed was that all of our contestants are working their “small town” credentials. Yes, we are aware that America loves seeing contestants coming from Bodunkville and making it in the big city, but everyone?! 
Who else is starting to hate Simon every time he says, “If I’m being honest…”? Why are you making this a mystery, you jerk? Are you being honest or not? This isn’t a damn “Choose Your Own Adventure” novel, it’s a competition! Just because you speak in platitudes doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want and be protected by your “If I’m being honest…” precursor. Then there was that moment between Kara and Simon where he chided her over asking Andrew to interpret the lyrics to a song. Uhh, what’s wrong with that? You know what makes somebody a good singer? They must have a good voice. You know what makes them a good artist? The ability to perform and allow the audience to really feel the meaning behind the lyrics. But besides that, there were a lot of great moments tonight. Let’s get to the rankings! 12. Tim Urban – He has ten siblings! Five brothers and five sisters! Wow, that makes my cervix hurt just hearing that… and I’m a guy. So we can assume that Tim’s parents either really love children or really hate contraception. Either way, Tim’s “podperson” vibe just got a little bit creepier. Oh, and is it bad that when Tim said “The Urban Family,” I immediately thought he was referring to an old sitcom on UPN? Anyway, on to the performance of “Under My Thumb.” Let’s set aside for the moment the incredible lack of insight Tim must have had with the lyrics to turn this mean-spirited song into a hip reggae tune sung like a Jonas brother who had stolen a little bit of product from Bob Marley’s medicine cabinet. Tim does what he does, and that’s that. Is he the best singer? No, of course not, but he’s the cool guy at the party who can woo all the girls and now he’s doing just that… but to a million different girls on a much larger stage. It’s really his only strategy and he should stick with it. But Tim Urban is just not in the same league as most of these contestants. NOT SAFE. 11. Andrew Garcia – What did we learn from Andrew’s intro package? Well, apparently his mom isn’t allowed to speak in these interviews. She just sits there in a dazed stupor. Who else wanted to poke her with a stick to make sure she was still alive? 
“Gimme Shelter” is my favorite Rolling Stones song, but this version lacked the amazing introduction riff that makes my hair stand up, and instead it was stripped down to a palm-muted mess. Look, I told Andrew last week, to ditch the guitar and just sing… but, uhh, pick a song that will let you do that, man! The performance was littered with flat notes that kept showing up like they were invited to an off-campus party, drunk and ready to make bad decisions. The second half was a marked improvement, but by then the damage was done. Andrew is starting to be in real trouble. NOT SAFE. 10. Paige Miles – Paige apparently had a bad case of laryngitis this week, but she seemed to have recovered enough to take on “Honky Tonk Woman.” We actually were able to hear a lot more of Paige’s potential and vocal talent, but her stylish runs sounded like mush and I was still left thinking, “Who the hell is Paige besides a big voice?” She is too uneven of a performer to last very long in this competition and still doesn’t seem to have displayed even a little bit of her personality. Paige is still running on fumes. NOT SAFE. 9. Aaron Kelly – This was a very nice vocal performance, but I’m not sure what the judges were drooling over. It was really weird to see such a young kid sing such a deep, heart-breaking song. “Angie” needed to have more grit and less precision. Honestly, I would have rather heard Aaron sing it poorly if he could have enthused a little bit more passion into the performance. As it was, it felt vacant and left me shrugging my shoulders. Aaron has been uneven before but this was the first time I truly felt like falling asleep. NOT SAFE. 1 2 Next-->View Printable version of this article
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