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The American (Idol) Revolution: The Gloves Come Offby Bruce Barker -- 02/24/2003
View Printable version of this article Down beside your red fire light Oh you gonna give it all you got Fat bottomed girls you make the ROCKIN’ world Go ‘round Welcome back, revolutionaries! It’s once again time to evaluate our successes and failures from this week’s American Idol and press forward to the next phase of confrontation. This week brought a mixed bag of victories and setbacks. While able to successfully jam Ryan Seacrest’s microphone, we were unable to broadcast our message to the masses over the airwaves. Sadly, the end result was merely a couple of minutes of confusion until order could be restored. We’ll try again soon. There has been much said by David Bloomberg and others regarding the lackluster performances this past week. For the most part the critics are correct. There was only one standout performance and fortunately it was by one of our own. Vanessa Oliverez, dressed in what can only be described as Gidget Does Soho garb, used her fun-loving personality to great effect and won the day. King Simon, clearly showing signs of the frustration and fatigue from last week’s failed raid on our secret HQ, tried his best to stop the inevitable. Now very much aware that his control is slipping, he played the weight card. Vanessa didn’t hesitate before showing the His Heinous that she is indeed a cheeky lass. Our other contestant this week, Samantha Cohen, gave a rather admirable performance of a very smoky Aretha Franklin song, but her nerves got the better of her and she fell back into a lounge lizard delivery that crushed her credibility. There are a couple of things to note about the week’s events however. Aside from the effort of the Sinister One to get rid of Vanessa Oliverez during the performance episode, the following night brought some far more overt moves on the part of the King. For the first time, there was no mention whatsoever by Ryan that the third place contestant would be eligible for the Wild Card competition coming up in two weeks. Also, Vanessa was not allowed to reprise her winning song! This should serve as warning to all that the gloves are coming off. King Simon will soon stop at nothing in his attempt to assure the last four selections for the top 10 will be nice, safe, thin, pretty people with quivering voices. I swear on my stack of Mama Cass and Alice Cooper albums that I will not let this happen without a fight! Having promised this, I give you this week’s offerings: Patrick Lake just sneaks in under the age limits of the rules. He was to be part of our final drive to the top 10 this week, teaming with Frenchie Davis. As we all know, this was not to be. But we will not allow her defeat to slow us down. Patrick is capable of burnin’ down the house and this week is his to win or lose. He will likely be forced to kowtow just a bit to the King by singing a ballad, but look for him to break out a power ballad by Bon Jovi or Cheap Trick instead of caving in completely. Go get ‘em Patrick, we’re pulling for you! Like many other fans, I was quickly taken with everyone’s favorite marine, Joshua Gracin. While far from being a dyed-in-the-wool rocker, his personal tastes are pure Nashville country. This means he has as little patience for the eardrum bursting noise of the pop divas. Like Frenchie, he has caught the eye of millions of viewers and his refreshing and professional approach will capture many a vote this week. I fully expect him to share the seats at center stage with Patrick. Which brings us to the remaining performers. This week’s group of women can only be described as King Simons Diva Platoon. Sylvia Chibiliti, Nasheka Siddall (my personal pick to lose part of her name this week), Juanita Barber, and Malibu Barbie – I mean Ashley Hartman, seem cut from the same basic cloth and will likely drown one another out with competing Mariah Carey or Celine Dion songs. Your only defense against this assault may be in indulging in some Shirley Manson. Slip Garbage Version 2.0 into the old CD player and pray. Chip Days is this week’s “most likely to do an R. Kelly impersonation in an attempt to get Paula Abdul to swoon in bliss” candidate. Finally, Corey Clark, if my sources are correct, will slip into BoysIIMen mode with a silky rendition of “I’ll Make Love to You.” Make no mistake, the four women and two men listed above are likely playing for a wild card appearance and they know it. With the unfortunate discovery of our Frenchie Connection, the third place slot is open and they will be fighting for it. Of the four weeks of head to head competition leading into the top 10, this one is now the easiest to call in advance. Barring disaster, Patrick will finish second and the marines will have scored a big first place. Let’s watch and see. Your instructions are clear and the course is set. Vote well and the final 10 contestants will be heavily laced with a variety of personalities and voices sadly missing from the freshman season of American Idol. See you in the trenches. Mr. Barker is co-owner of Movie Boss (www.movieboss.com), a free online movie game, and author of "Zippers," a humor column that looks at mistakes in movies. He can be reached at BBarker@movieboss.com. Be sure to sign up for the RealityNewsOnline/FoxesOnIdol e-mail update so you can stay informed about new articles on both sites! For all of the RealityNewsOnline articles about this show, check out the American Idol page. For more news about reality TV, be sure to check out RealityTVFans.com and SirLinksALot! 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